Nightmare Adventures of the Single Life

I’m back blogging at the end of the one of the worst months of my entire life. I apologize to a few of you who have sent me private messages. I'm really sorry I haven;t responded. Just haven't been able to. I thank you for your thoughts. I also haven’t been able to blog because I can’t adequately put words to everything I have been feeling, nor have I been able to. I still don’t want to post, but I’m forcing myself to because I think I need to get some of this out of my system or I will crash hard. My apologies now because this is by far a decidedly unhappy blog.

When last I wrote, my mom, who I had been estranged from, appeared on her death bed after 20 years. She then passed away May 3^rd and a lot emotionally and mentally has been opened up since, a lot of which has been closed and “healed” all those years. Not so much it turns out. The last few weeks have pushed me to an emotional, psychological and physical edge the likes of which I thought I wouldn’t turn back from. Still not sure I will. On top of that, I got the promotion I wanted and started my new job. The stress of that and my mom dying has been unbelievable. I cannot tell you how many times I have spontaneously burst out crying in front of people who probably think I’m psycho.

Today is my 35^th birthday, and as I write this at 11:23 pm all I’ve wanted to do all day was crawl in a hole. On May 3^rd my mom died. May 11^th was the 19^th anniversary of my dad’s death and Mother’s Day. May 23^rd would’ve been my mom’s 65^th birthday, and today I turned 35. Yesterday, May 25^th, after contentious weeks with my family over her interment, and after taking out a loan on my 401(k), I scattered my mom’s ashes and had her proverbial funeral. At first we thought we wouldn’t claim her, but in the end I just couldn’t do it. I had to take care of her. Along with the day my dad died and the day of his funeral, yesterday was easily #3 of the top three worst days of my life. I scattered her ashes on the graves of her parents and grandparents (my maternal grandparents and great-grandparents). I thought it was the best thing to do. My ex-boyfriend, Richard, and friend, Crazy Cat Lady, came with. All credit to both of them. CCL hasn’t been around death all that much because her family (luckily) lives long lives. My ex is a kidney dialysis social worker who is constantly around death and has effectively shut himself off when it happens around him. Then you have me, wreck that I was. How I got though it I don’t know. I still don’t know how I’ll recover from everything that has surfaced. I truly feel like the biggest burden to everyone I know. I also feel small at the same time. Being my birthday, I only got three text messages and the ex-boyfriend who probably felt obliged to take me to dinner. No one really remembered or was too busy to care. I wish I could take another day off work on top of the holiday today. I’m not ready to face the world.

Tonight the Biography Channel is running a marathon of the show “I Survived…” about people who survived horrendous circumstances, such as people trying to rape and murder them, being stranded, etc. A few weeks back I blogged about an episode where this girl was kidnapped, raped, shot 3 times, and left for dead, and she said the only reason she made it through was because she was loved, and had she died, she could take that with her. She fought to get back to those people. That episode is on now, and as before, I question who would miss me if I was gone. I would end up being unclaimed. No one would want to bother. If I was kidnapped and in her position, who would pop into my head as being someone who truly loved me that I would want to pull through for? Who would really miss me? I’m not sure. I know I will meet the same fate as my mom. I don’t have anyone who would claim me if something happened. I guess the one positive is I have life insurance to reimburse anyone, right? (A bright side, I guess).

Happy fucking birthday to me.

I’m back blogging at the end of the one of the worst months of my entire life. I apologize to a few of you who have sent me private messages. I'm really sorry I haven;t responded. Just haven't been able to. I thank you for your thoughts. I also haven’t been able to blog because I can’t adequately put words to everything I have been feeling, nor have I been able to. I still don’t want to post, but I’m forcing myself to because I think I need to get some of this out of my system or I will crash hard. My apologies now because this is by far a decidedly unhappy blog.

When last I wrote, my mom, who I had been estranged from, appeared on her death bed after 20 years. She then passed away May 3^rd and a lot emotionally and mentally has been opened up since, a lot of which has been closed and “healed” all those years. Not so much it turns out. The last few weeks have pushed me to an emotional, psychological and physical edge the likes of which I thought I wouldn’t turn back from. Still not sure I will. On top of that, I got the promotion I wanted and started my new job. The stress of that and my mom dying has been unbelievable. I cannot tell you how many times I have spontaneously burst out crying in front of people who probably think I’m psycho.

Today is my 35^th birthday, and as I write this at 11:23 pm all I’ve wanted to do all day was crawl in a hole. On May 3^rd my mom died. May 11^th was the 19^th anniversary of my dad’s death and Mother’s Day. May 23^rd would’ve been my mom’s 65^th birthday, and today I turned 35. Yesterday, May 25^th, after contentious weeks with my family over her interment, and after taking out a loan on my 401(k), I scattered my mom’s ashes and had her proverbial funeral. At first we thought we wouldn’t claim her, but in the end I just couldn’t do it. I had to take care of her. Along with the day my dad died and the day of his funeral, yesterday was easily #3 of the top three worst days of my life. I scattered her ashes on the graves of her parents and grandparents (my maternal grandparents and great-grandparents). I thought it was the best thing to do. My ex-boyfriend, Richard, and friend, Crazy Cat Lady, came with. All credit to both of them. CCL hasn’t been around death all that much because her family (luckily) lives long lives. My ex is a kidney dialysis social worker who is constantly around death and has effectively shut himself off when it happens around him. Then you have me, wreck that I was. How I got though it I don’t know. I still don’t know how I’ll recover from everything that has surfaced. I truly feel like the biggest burden to everyone I know. I also feel small at the same time. Being my birthday, I only got three text messages and the ex-boyfriend who probably felt obliged to take me to dinner. No one really remembered or was too busy to care. I wish I could take another day off work on top of the holiday today. I’m not ready to face the world.

Tonight the Biography Channel is running a marathon of the show “I Survived…” about people who survived horrendous circumstances, such as people trying to rape and murder them, being stranded, etc. A few weeks back I blogged about an episode where this girl was kidnapped, raped, shot 3 times, and left for dead, and she said the only reason she made it through was because she was loved, and had she died, she could take that with her. She fought to get back to those people. That episode is on now, and as before, I question who would miss me if I was gone. I would end up being unclaimed. No one would want to bother. If I was kidnapped and in her position, who would pop into my head as being someone who truly loved me that I would want to pull through for? Who would really miss me? I’m not sure. I know I will meet the same fate as my mom. I don’t have anyone who would claim me if something happened. I guess the one positive is I have life insurance to reimburse anyone, right? (A bright side, I guess).

Happy fucking birthday to me.

I’m back blogging at the end of the one of the worst months of my entire life. I apologize to a few of you who have sent me private messages. I'm really sorry I haven;t responded. Just haven't been able to. I thank you for your thoughts. I also haven’t been able to blog because I can’t adequately put words to everything I have been feeling, nor have I been able to. I still don’t want to post, but I’m forcing myself to because I think I need to get some of this out of my system or I will crash hard. My apologies now because this is by far a decidedly unhappy blog.

When last I wrote, my mom, who I had been estranged from, appeared on her death bed after 20 years. She then passed away May 3^rd and a lot emotionally and mentally has been opened up since, a lot of which has been closed and “healed” all those years. Not so much it turns out. The last few weeks have pushed me to an emotional, psychological and physical edge the likes of which I thought I wouldn’t turn back from. Still not sure I will. On top of that, I got the promotion I wanted and started my new job. The stress of that and my mom dying has been unbelievable. I cannot tell you how many times I have spontaneously burst out crying in front of people who probably think I’m psycho.

Today is my 35^th birthday, and as I write this at 11:23 pm all I’ve wanted to do all day was crawl in a hole. On May 3^rd my mom died. May 11^th was the 19^th anniversary of my dad’s death and Mother’s Day. May 23^rd would’ve been my mom’s 65^th birthday, and today I turned 35. Yesterday, May 25^th, after contentious weeks with my family over her interment, and after taking out a loan on my 401(k), I scattered my mom’s ashes and had her proverbial funeral. At first we thought we wouldn’t claim her, but in the end I just couldn’t do it. I had to take care of her. Along with the day my dad died and the day of his funeral, yesterday was easily #3 of the top three worst days of my life. I scattered her ashes on the graves of her parents and grandparents (my maternal grandparents and great-grandparents). I thought it was the best thing to do. My ex-boyfriend, Richard, and friend, Crazy Cat Lady, came with. All credit to both of them. CCL hasn’t been around death all that much because her family (luckily) lives long lives. My ex is a kidney dialysis social worker who is constantly around death and has effectively shut himself off when it happens around him. Then you have me, wreck that I was. How I got though it I don’t know. I still don’t know how I’ll recover from everything that has surfaced. I truly feel like the biggest burden to everyone I know. I also feel small at the same time. Being my birthday, I only got three text messages and the ex-boyfriend who probably felt obliged to take me to dinner. No one really remembered or was too busy to care. I wish I could take another day off work on top of the holiday today. I’m not ready to face the world.

Tonight the Biography Channel is running a marathon of the show “I Survived…” about people who survived horrendous circumstances, such as people trying to rape and murder them, being stranded, etc. A few weeks back I blogged about an episode where this girl was kidnapped, raped, shot 3 times, and left for dead, and she said the only reason she made it through was because she was loved, and had she died, she could take that with her. She fought to get back to those people. That episode is on now, and as before, I question who would miss me if I was gone. I would end up being unclaimed. No one would want to bother. If I was kidnapped and in her position, who would pop into my head as being someone who truly loved me that I would want to pull through for? Who would really miss me? I’m not sure. I know I will meet the same fate as my mom. I don’t have anyone who would claim me if something happened. I guess the one positive is I have life insurance to reimburse anyone, right? (A bright side, I guess).

Happy fucking birthday to me.

No one called me at all today. My phone didn't ring once. Today was Mother's Day and the 19th anniversary of my father's death.

As you recall, about a week ago my mother died. My family and I made the choice to not claim her remains. Two drastic things changed:

1. I went to see my mother after she died at the hospital morgue. Rule #1: If you can ever avoid going to see a loved one at the morgue I highly recommend it. Even though I didn't want to see her, I had the strong need to. What I saw has kept me up every single night. I close my eyes and I cannot get the vision out of my head. It is something I don't want anyone to ever see. Her condition was beyond poor. But it gave me a personal sense of closure that I needed. I was able to see her and say many things I wanted to say, good and bad. Above all, that she was loved by many people over the course of her life.

2. My family asked me to price out cremation services. After we agreed to forego anything claiming or services whatsoever they changed lanes. No problem. I researched, then they decided not to pay. At this point I am unable to let the county take care of her and put her in a mass grave, so I took out a loan on my 401(k) and will direct-cremate her when I get the check Tuesday. I just couldn't do it. I am doing it for myself, and her. I at least got to wake and funeral my father, and despite all of the bad things, she was a human and my mother. It'll take 3 years to pay off the loan, but I have to do it.

Other than the above, why do I hate May? My mother died May 3. My father died May 11. My mother's birthday is May 23. My birthday is May 26. It is an extremely bittersweet month. Today is Mother's Day, and while I mourn my mother, I also mourn my father who's anniversary was a few days ago. When she was alive and we were estranged, I still "technically" had a mother. Now, she is absolutely, definitely gone. I truly no longer have any parents. It has been a very sobering day.

On a side note, I started my new job one week ago. Extremely stressful. Needless to say, my mind has been in 100,000 different places.

I have the realization that my mother and I will probably never reconcile. I don't know if after all these years I have anything good, bad or otherwise to say or talk about. When I was told she might be dying I felt bad, sad, and cried, but couldn't find words of forgiveness, hatred, sorrow or anything, I figured I would obviously wing it, but could not imagine any words. The idea of writing someone's death warrant (so to speak) really hurt and bothered me.

But now that she decided to have someone else handle and make her medical decisions I need to step back. A great aunt of mine evidently paid for her pre-need funeral plans so everything is set. It really is just a matter of being notified if something happens now or when it happens in the future. If she pulls through I have a feeling this is her last free ride and next time, she won't. Her cirrhosis is too advanced and her liver will eventually fail because she can't stop the disease. It's terminal. This was also a bizarre, heartbreaking, emotional and draining dress rehearsal for me.

I am sad for her. For the loss of a person so many years ago who, according to my relatives, had so much promise, but ended up with the wrong guy (my dad), couldn't help the emotional and mental cards she was dealt with from her genetics on her father's side, and found herself in a dual struggle she couldn't overcome and put her on a lonely, often treacherous path. I am sad that we could not connect, that I could not look past her struggles and maybe try harder, and could not lean on each other through the bad times. I am sad that she does not know "me". Or herself truly. I am sad for how she will end her days. I am sad that I cannot or am unable to try to unlock myself at this point. To go see her when she is coherent. I am sad that I don't want to do it and that I may regret it.

I almost feel as if I am writing an open letter to her and want to actually write it out, bring it to the hospital, and have a nurse give it to her.

This morning I went to the hospital to see my mother and sign the DNR papers, and while the staff didn't think she'd survive the night, she was lucid, coherent and very responsive this morning. They didn't feel the need to elevate the situation to the serious/failing level. I did sign the consent for her to have surgery to put in a major IV line (a C-line) and spoke with her doctors and the social worker handling her case. She was told I was there but gave no indication she wanted to see me. After speaking with the social worker to find out what her mental state was, she said my mother was in sound mind to make the decision as to who she wanted to make her medical surrogate, or basically the one to decide her fate if she cannot. My mother chose someone else - a "friend" named Donna that evidently she has known for years. I had to respect her decision as an adult with that right, realizing she probably has her own anger and resentment towards me. I did tell the doctors that should this woman not want the responsibility I will resume it and that I wanted to remain on the contact list should anything further happen. I left the hospital and went to work, not really knowing what else to do. Nothing I can do at this point except to call the hospital later to find out how the surgery went and check on her condition, and the situation with Donna. I'm am, but I'm not surprised. I've been up all night and haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, and quite frankly have no appetite. I am physically and emotionally exhausted right now. I unexpectedly had to face a lot of things that have been buried inside for many years that I've tried to live and deal with. I was already in selfish overload about the new job, but my mother really put me over the edge. I had mixed feelings all night about proverbially signing someone's death warrant, knowing that if the situation was grim it needed to be done because of her poor quality of past and future life. I don't know how things will go. I am struggling to decide if I should go to the hospital tonight to see her.

After 20 years I will see my mother tomorrow morning. I have been estranged from and not seen or talked to her since I was 16 because, frankly, she was a raging alcoholic who was not a good mother and slipped into a life I could not surround myself with. Tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m. I will see her in a hospital after signing her DNR/DNI order (Do Not Resuscitate/Do No Not Intubate). She has advanced cirrhosis of the liver (it's failing), a ton of other complications, is not aware of her surroundings and cannot verbalize or make any decisions on her own. She is characterized on a functional level as "failure to thrive". The odds are not good. She will probably not know I am there. I just found out about this at work at 4:30 this afternoon out of the blue. There is a chance she can pull through. Not sure. My head is in a million places and I have spent the night on the phone with relatives and the hospital. I have a million different thoughts and emotions.

I needed to vent. Not sure I'll be able to for the next few days.

Crap. I am so damn tired of hearing from this guy I'm gonna scream!

By now, you've heard me rant about Douchebag Brian who I went out on a date with and who ditched me, but is an overall maniac. Well, he's back. I have no clue what his damage is, but for some reason he cannot let things go.

When we last heard form him, his "wife" or whoever emailed me on Facebook and I dished all the details of the brief time I knew him. (Here's a link to my post about her messages.) I go onto Facebook today only to have the following message from him in my inbox:

Yes I should have told you i have a crazy, insane ex wife. We have been divorced for a year. At the time it didn't seem ness(3 dates in a week) and afterwards didn't seem relavant. I am not overly creative with my passwords - she got into several of my email - and created this account. For what ever reason she wanted to find out how long we had been together. This is why I moved back home to Chicago. This is why i have been staying with my brother. trying to rebuild my life.

One last thing she showed me the emails from you and told me about this account:
-What is your hang up on the business card? - I'm a resch anlzt just above entry level. I stare at a computer all day. I don't have my "own" phone line and all my clients are internal. Why would I have a business card?
-Sounds like your still pissed about the $$.
-"girlfriend/wife/signft other".....wife/girlfriend covers all....signft other???? Do you think I'm gay???

I am so over this guy I can't tell you. I'm debating what, if anything, I should respond, wasting precious time and breath.

Because you just can't wait for the next train.

I made the biggest mistake of my life by taking the new job. I don’t know what delusions of grandeur I had, or what I’ve been smoking for the past two months in pursuing it. From the moment I walked into the office Monday morning and had to begin the two week-long handover/transition process my entire world is in turmoil. I have to say “See ya later” to colleagues I’ve worked with daily for 10 years. I’m giving away projects and work that I’ve built a strong reputation with. I’m handing over administration of a website that has been my universe, my baby, for the past 5 yrs. I’ve travelled around the world to train people on it. I conceptualized it, help build it, launched it, made it grow, and I have to hand it over to people who will probably fuck it up. I have to become an average “user” now. I am overwhelmed by the amount of work and projects I need to finish before I move, and the amount of training and work awaiting me.

I’ll have to move to a new desk on the other side of the office, one that is the opposite set-up of my current one. I’ll have to share the desk area with a colleague for a few months because our Dilbert cubes are maxed out and we don’t have the space to accommodate everyone until they build out new space. I am VERY protective of my work space and don’t want to share. I will probably lose my perfect 17” laptop to a smaller, crappier one, or possibly to a desktop unit, which will mean no Internet at night or weekends. I will have to come in a half hour earlier, throwing my extremely delicately-balanced morning routine out of whack. I will be flying blind in a world where I will be expected to jump in because the water’s fine and I was hired because of my work experience. One week into it the new boss and team will look at me and say, “Boy, did we make a mistake. We thought you could actually do the job.”

I’ve gone home the past two nights and cried my eyes out. I cried in the bathroom after lunch yesterday. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack this morning. All the while I have to grin and appear appropriately nervous but very excited about the move. It’s too much change and I can’t handle it. The last year has been nothing but turmoil with my ex dumping me after almost 6 yrs, throwing myself into financial blahs with buying my car, my income tax bill when I’ve never owed in my life, and now this. My world operates on a finely tuned beat and I’m sinking.