Alone

Tonight I watched a show called ”I Survived…” where people who survived traumatic events talk about what brought them through. The episode had a woman who was 24 when some guy watched her, busted her apartment door in, made her go to an ATM, then drove her to a dark, secluded spot where he raped then shot her 3 times to make sure she was dead. He was caught only because he came back to the spot to show off the “dead body”. The girl survived because the bullets missed major arteries, she played dead, and she felt deeply motivated to keep moving to safety by the love she had from her parents, family and baby niece and what her loss would do to them. What resonated while watching was my recurring fear of being murdered or raped while living alone.

I have no parents, siblings, boyfriend, husband, children or anyone who would truly miss me to that type of degree. Sure, I have friends, but when you break it down, I don’t have anyone that guttural to where they would shatter at my passing. I realized, on yet another level, that I am truly alone. I’ve known this for years, and every year or so something happens where the realization runs even deeper, but tonight really hit a whole new level. The thoughts that ran through my head were of this strong girl having these amazing people who loved her to motivate her to live and drive her to move while she was shot and naked to civilization so she could be rescued. It drove in my head that I have no one and that I would probably lay there allowing myself to drift off and die, remembering my life, petrified and despondent that I was dying that way, hoping I would see my dad if there was some sort of after life. I have no one’s love to motivate me. Who would truly care? Who would cry while cleaning out my apartment and looking at my photo albums, yearbooks, travel souvenirs, clothes, food, etc. Who would I try to live for if in that situation?