Dazed and Confused

No one called me at all today. My phone didn't ring once. Today was Mother's Day and the 19th anniversary of my father's death.

As you recall, about a week ago my mother died. My family and I made the choice to not claim her remains. Two drastic things changed:

1. I went to see my mother after she died at the hospital morgue. Rule #1: If you can ever avoid going to see a loved one at the morgue I highly recommend it. Even though I didn't want to see her, I had the strong need to. What I saw has kept me up every single night. I close my eyes and I cannot get the vision out of my head. It is something I don't want anyone to ever see. Her condition was beyond poor. But it gave me a personal sense of closure that I needed. I was able to see her and say many things I wanted to say, good and bad. Above all, that she was loved by many people over the course of her life.

2. My family asked me to price out cremation services. After we agreed to forego anything claiming or services whatsoever they changed lanes. No problem. I researched, then they decided not to pay. At this point I am unable to let the county take care of her and put her in a mass grave, so I took out a loan on my 401(k) and will direct-cremate her when I get the check Tuesday. I just couldn't do it. I am doing it for myself, and her. I at least got to wake and funeral my father, and despite all of the bad things, she was a human and my mother. It'll take 3 years to pay off the loan, but I have to do it.

Other than the above, why do I hate May? My mother died May 3. My father died May 11. My mother's birthday is May 23. My birthday is May 26. It is an extremely bittersweet month. Today is Mother's Day, and while I mourn my mother, I also mourn my father who's anniversary was a few days ago. When she was alive and we were estranged, I still "technically" had a mother. Now, she is absolutely, definitely gone. I truly no longer have any parents. It has been a very sobering day.

On a side note, I started my new job one week ago. Extremely stressful. Needless to say, my mind has been in 100,000 different places.