6 posts tagged “exes”

Monday night turned out to be an awesomely shitty night that I never could’ve predicted. First, I was still thinking about Bartender Guy and how that ended. Kinda bummed, but again, realistic. Kept thinking about him. I agreed to have dinner with my ex boyfriend who is trying to get back together with me. Or so it seems. He shows up and I’m about ready to choke and die: Bartender Guy’s outfit on Friday was a black turtle-neck sweater with dark jeans and gym shoes with a dark navy pea-coat. Guess what the fuck the ex shows up in? Exact same fucking clothes. Then, he recognizes “the smell”. The shirt I wore to dinner with the ex was the same I wore this past weekend with Bartender Guy and he was all over me in. I only wore it once and it seemed ok. Not icky – we’ve all done it. But the ex picked up on the strange smell right away as soon as I took my coat off. And it wasn’t because of my new perfume.

So, here I am. Dealing with an ex who might know. We go to dinner and it’s fine. Then we go to a dive bar only to find that it’s a poetry slam night. I’ve never been to one and have always wanted to. He has, so I ask if we can stay. We do, and I start to think it’s cool that he’s willing to stay because I’ve never been there. Everything is cool until we get in the car and he starts spouting about his high school friend who is a typical art school degenerate and the bad slams they went to and ripping on the people we heard. I thought I heard some people I liked and commented. Some I understood and totally got. Others, I respected because they were performing art. The ex just railed and killed any sense of possible connection I was forming with him. He became his old self. When he dropped me off he kissed me like he was a wet sponge swapping up water. No passion. No “like” even. Tonight I truly realized that my ex and I will never get back together.

On top of that, I get a call from one of my best friends – another ex – and he tells me he can’t talk later this week. I’m wondering why, and he tells me his wife is “due” any day. As in NOW. FUCKING NOW!!!!!!!  He never, EVER, told me she was pregnant. It is such an emotional shock to me I can’t explain. I am beyond happy for him, but suddenly in one night knowing that he’s becoming a dad kills me. It warms yet breaks my heart in a million pieces. If I had known I would’ve things would’ve been different. I would’ve had time to lean into it. Been there as a friend. Instead, he thought all these months I was ignoring the pregnancy and just being “friends” as normal. I’m hurt, confused, but happy and hopeful that his son arrives in great health and that his mom is healthy as well.

On top of that, I guess I am bummed about Bartender Guy dumping me. Argh!!!!!

After having a miserable, stressful, draining, sleepless night over the whole income tax/finance situation I drudged my sorry, broke ass to work. On the train ride in I was hit with a strange realization. Since August I have seen or talked to every single one of my exes. Except for one, and I hope he enjoys a slow, painful death because you don’t push girls through plate glass windows during arguments. Back to hell, Satan!

Last week when I was at the courthouse for jury duty I ran into one of my high school boyfriends, Andrew. We dated for about 3-1/2 years and were engaged for 2 of them (I know, I know. Hold the comments about the engagement).

He was there on a real estate matter for business. Supremely bizarre to see him. After exchanging business cards, hugs and kisses, off I scampered to do my civic duty. I’m going to try to get together with him for drinks if we can arrange it. And no, I think he’s still married (forgot to check the finger), and even if he isn’t, I have zero attraction to him. Time has not necessarily been good to him, not that I’m any Spring Chicken. I at least still have guys lie to me that they think I’m in my mid-twenties when I’m hitting 35 this year. Key word: lie.

What is going on in my cosmic universe that brought all of my exes out of the woodwork? I mean, I’ve been friends with two of them for a while, one I’m just starting to reconnect with, another went all stalker on me, Satan is reigning over his fiery kingdom, and now Adam drops in. The Gods must be crazy.

At this point I am relying on my Chinese New Year horoscope. It is very auspicious for this year. It damn well better be. That auspiciousness so far in 2008 has been slow in starting. Better kick it gear.

Today, I'm looking at things a bit more pragmatically. Is it wrong for me to want the pig to rot in hell? I don't think so. Boy, do I feel better for saying that.

I am tired of the down moments. Tired of pining for him. Tired of him. I am officially becoming a crazy cat lady. My first ten felines will be purchased this evening! Ok, maybe not. My landlord doesn't dig pets.

Tonight has been REALLY hard, and VERY unexpected. It came from out of the blue. But FINALLY,  a realistic, TRUE  thought and realization. None of the bullshit hopefulness. The truth finally hit my hard skull. I have not been able to stop bawling and feeling so low I don't know what to do. I keep missing him and thinking about everything we had in the past that is gone. GONE in capital letters. Worse, is the loss of what I wanted with him that I know now I will never, ever have. Hope. Faith. Love. Marriage. Friendship. Commitment. Family. Children. Joy. Discovery. Wonderment. Surprise. Sentiment. Legacy. Learning. All of those things are starting to hit me. They're gone. I will never have them. I will never marry; have the family I have dreamt about and wanted my entire life. What do I do now?

What happens when you desperately want an ex to call you? For any reason. Whatsoever. When you are dying to hear from them so you have the opportunity to tell them off and be the biggest shit while hoping, begging and secretly pining that they will want you back so badly?  What makes an ex call you? What makes you want an ex to call? If they call, why? Do they want to see how miserabe you are? Figure they could fall back on a reliable thing? Really, honestly, truly made a phenomenal mistake and want you back?! Friends? Whaqt makes you become amazing best friends with your exes? What makes you wish desperately that your ex would call? Not call? How do you reconcile things to become best, good or acquaintance friends with your exes?

I am currently experiencing all of the above.  Help? Advice? Experience?